You Prurient Bastards

Just a quick note to note something:

If I post some gag post on astrology (low hanging fruit) or erotica ( stuff found on the ground) I get 10x the views I do when I post links to my stories.

I say 10x to make myself feel good – it’s actually more than that.

Dear Readers: I guess I have to say …. you know how daddy likes it.

Don’t stop.

Steve

Phrases You Should Avoid When Writing Erotica

Rodin_The-Kiss.jpg

When writing erotica, please avoid using the following phrases/euphemisms/terminology by all means necessary:

  • Like a screen door in a hurricane
  • Baloney Pony
  • Banged the shit out of
  • Strange burning sensation
  • Humping
  • Prayer Group
  • Glissade
  • Expresso (‘Espresso’ is fine)
  • Eight minutes of furious mediocrity
  • Squish Biscuit
  • Journaling
  • For King and Country!
  • Stump
  • The smell of fear
  • Frenetic
  • Republican Primary
  • Uphill
  • Drum Circle
  • Downhill
  • Rumpelstiltskin
  • Anything that rhymes with “Rumpelstiltskin”
  • Smidgen
  • Pork ninja
  • Octopus
  • Porked
  • Country-style
  • Blog
  • Fat as fuck

Seriously – don’t write these or it’ll kill your shit. Your story becomes very put down-able.

If you can think of any others post ’em up in the comments.

Rock on compadres, I shall return to throw some horns and rock out in the very near future, after I finish rocking out and throwing some horns,

Steve

 

One Inch of Air

My short story “one inch of Air” is live @ Tracer Publishing today.

You can read it Here

I’ve always wondered if hypothermia set in faster than drowning. I believe it does, but read the story and let me know what you think.

Much thanks to Alex Brown of Tracer for accepting the piece and putting it up.

Steve

Astrology 101: Your Personality by Sign

Zodiac
El Zodiac

Astrology 101: The Basic Personality Template of all Zodiacal Signs

Well, as the Amazing Randi once never said “All of that psychic stuff is crap – except for astrology. That shit’s furreal.” So here is my interpretation of your personality based on studying your birth sign.

Aries: When you live by the slogan “My Way or the Highway” you spend a lot of time on the highway, thumb in the air. You can spot an Aries easily enough: All their friends are people they just met.

Leo: Someone once noted that Dogs can learn as many as 104 unique voice commands, can herd sheep, track lost hikers, recognize their owners after years apart, and they will even die defending their people. Cats shit in a box. So, there’s Leo.

Sagittarius: The circumstances of their conception dictated their time and date of birth and thus, their sign. Hard to hold that against ‘em but … Ewww.

Taurus: Ah, the “K” Class of the Zodiac, lowering the curve and defying the term “progression to the mean” for a millennia.

Virgo: Not many in these here parts. Deep down inside all signs think that their sign is the best sign. Not these guys. No Virgo wants to be a Virgo. I understand.

Capricorn: There is no cry for help, no plea for mercy, and no sprawling vista of human suffering Capricorns can’t ignore. I think they are born to harvest orphan tears. But as Cappy would say: “Cappy got paid.”

Gemini: Dirty hippies have to be born at some time right? These are the people that take an old bus running on diesel loaded with 24-packs of bottled water to protest pipeline construction. Geminis should never be cremated, only buried, because they are so full of shit they make the best fertilizer.

Libra: What they lack in looks, they make up for in not having any semblance of a personality. The sheet rock of the heavens, they need a lot of work to be made lovable, even though they are not usually hate-able.

Aquarius: Ah the hate-able. You cannot do enough for these people, the “Everyone is mean to me,” of the heavens. Imagine being 2 years old but for 80 – 120 years. Seriously: Fuck Aquarius.

Cancer: Say no more.

Scorpio: There is a saying in golf: “Drive for Show, putt for dough.” Scorpios (sometimes) drive well. But not often. In fact, it might be just a rumor but I wanted to say something positive about Scorpio so I reached a bit.

Pisces: The “Debby Downer” of the chart, there is no silver cloud that Pisces can’t make into a dark cloud. Even the word “Pisces” is descended from an old Etruscan word for “Misbegotten creature that drags the unwary to their death in the murky depths.” If they could kill people merely by crushing them with the weight of their disappointment Pisces would be the only sign left.    

So there you go – kudos to you if you can guess my sign from the above.

Truthfully I haven’t updated my blog in a bit, I’ve been A) dating a hot chick, and B) working hard at my “legitimate” writing so I pulled this piece of snark out of the archives and taped ‘er up for your enjoyment because you dear readers reader, are always on my mind.

Ciao

Steve

The Wild Girls Sing

My short prose-poem/prosody “The Wild Girls Sing” is out in the new Issue of Yellow Chair Review (Waco, Texas).

You can read it Here

Much thanks to the YCR crew for their hard work.

I’ve read the issue and it’s really strong with some excellent work in from a number of writers. I know YCR has made some “best of” lists since it’s inception in 2011 – founder and E-I-C S. Moran is a force of nature in the indie lit community.

This is one short of a hat trick for me with YCR – my poem “There have Been Others” was the winner of YCR’s weekly “Rock the Chair” poetry challenge and was put up February 14.

Go and and give ’em a read a let me know what you think,

Steve

Homicide, Suicide, Plea

My prose-poem “Homicide, Suicide, Plea” is up in this month’s Unbroken Journal and you can read it Here

“Homicide, Suicide, Plea” is on page #101.

Much thanks to R.L. Black and the editorial crew at Unbroken, who put out a really excellent magazine that I’m very pleased to be a part of.

Although I’ve had other poems/prosodies appear now “Homicide, Suicide, Plea” was the first one I ever had accepted.

I’d also like to point out the Hermine Robinson and Kevin Mulligan – two excellent writers who came through Mount Royal Universities continuing education classes in Creative Writing taught by the estimable Lori Hahnel – also have pieces in this issue of Unbroken. How cool is that?

Kevin’s piece “For Want Of” is on page #47 and Hermine’s two pieces “The House is Sad” and “Nothing Changes” begin on page #111.

We are all members of the same writing group – we meet once/month or so to nosh on chicken wings (perogies for Hermine) and have a beverage while workshopping our writing. Some days more gets done than others but the point is: We’re doing it.

Rock on

Steve

Best Bands You Never Heard of: The Four Horseman

fourhorsemen
The Four Horsemen

The Four Horseman were a hard blues/hard rock ensemble active in the late 80’s and early 90’s. A combination of outstanding musicianship, Frontman Frank Starr’s one-of-a-kind swagger, and tragedy made them a “must have” for me and their first major release, “Nobody Said it Was Easy”, in still in my regular rotation.

I once read a story where Lizmi, who had recruited all the members of the band save a lead singer, was having a few with producer Rick Rubin and had stepped outside for fresh air or to fire up a spliff or just for conversation when a barroom brawl spilled out into the parking lot. Two gentlemen had agreed to “come to scratch” and settle their difference by fisticuffs and at the conclusion of said match the winner – in a pair of corduroy bell-bottoms no less – and heavily out of breath, was staggering back into the bar when Rubin stopped him

“Can you sing?” Rubin asked.

The victor nodded. “Yeah, I can sing.”

“What’s your name?”

At that the still panting champion turned around and pulled his shirt down to expose his shoulders and upper back across which was tattooed – in letters writ large – “S-T-A-R-R”

That’s pretty goddamn Rock and Roll.

The band never really got into the groove they could have. Frank Starr did multiple prison stints on a variety of offenses, missing a lot of time, and was in a serious motorcycle accident in 1995. He remained in a coma until he passed away in 1999. Ken “Dimwit” Montgomery – one of Canada’s three famous Montgomery Brothers (Brother Chuck Biscuits played in DOA, Danzig, Social Distortion and other bands you have heard of), died of a heroin overdose in 1994. (As an aside there is an excellent documentary out there called ‘Bloodied but Unbowed” about the early Vancouver punk rock scene that has the excellent section on the Montgomery brothers – watch it at YouTube Here.

At any rate – that’s the Four Horsemen. You can find ‘Nobody Said it Was Easy (release date was in 1991) on Ebay – and depending on the condition it can be an expensive proposition.

At any rate – if you ever run into Dave Lizmi shake his hand. They made great music.

I’m going to leave with “I Need a Thrill/Something Good” because I have lived it, and loved it.

Rock on Compadres. I’ll be back soon with links to more of my own published stuff as it appears.

Steve