Top Ten Reasons I didn’t Message You On That Dating Website

Internet Dating: Visualized

Internet Dating: Visualized

In no particular order:

  1. Ewwwww
  2. You have “Man hands”
  3. Just how many dogs do you own? Can you get along with people? Don’t answer – it’s a rhetorical question. I already know the answer.
  4. You have a mean face
  5. You look like an Ex of mine
  6. You are an Ex of mine
  7. Pic is not a selfie … which means it must be 5 years old meaning you’ve doubled in size since then in real life
  8. You look like my cousin
  9. You are my cousin
  10. You’re a dude – no judgement, but you are on the wrong side of the app, buddy

Bonus Round: I saw you on two other dating sites 4 years ago, and although I’m on/off these things as needs be I’m pretty sure you have been on the whole time.

There ya go blog readers. Remember: Hail Satan, drink coffee.

I’ll return shortly, like a Velvet Elvis that get’s “re-gifted” through the family every Christmas.

Steve

A Quick Summary of the State of Social Media

Well, we’re well into 2015, so I thought I’d better summarize social media for you:

Facebook: A membership group for middle-aged women who hate stupid people (apparently everywhere), but love their amazing sisters, amazing mothers, amazing cousins, and of course their amazing friends, (and post endless memes accordingly,) but not quite as much as they love wine.

Instagram: This is where the kids all went when their parents got on Facebook. Instagram can be summarized as follows: Many pictures, of many people, who are neither photogenic nor doing anything interesting.

Twitter: 99% Kardashian, 1% troll. Or vice-versa.The Revolution? It ain’t happenin’ here and never was.

Snapchat: When the cops come and ask for your son/daughter and seize the cell phone you got them so you could keep track of them  – Snapchat is why.

Reddit: I have limited experience with Reddit, but it reminds me a bit of those ant-farms you could buy as a kid. Lots going on. Here, there, everywhere, including a riot in Block D, section 7, but unless you’re in it you won’t know about it.

Pinterest: Two Words. 1) “Hen,” 2)  “Party.” Crafty. More self-affirmation memes posted over and over and over. It’s not that men aren’t welcome here, not at all, but you don’t see many women at model train conventions either.

Blogs et al: Imagine crickets chirping by a babbling brook in a picturesque ghost-town.

Tumblr: A surviving subsection of blogging consisting of weird porn, by which I mean the theft of images from other sites regrouped according to the Tumblr-er’s proclivities.

Google+: What’s Google+? Anyone know? Can someone help me here? Anyone? Do I have the right name?

LinkedIn: All of the blah blah blah you hate about the office but no free coffee. One of the few remaining stalking tools out there though. Might be time to reactivate my profile.

Youtube/GoodReads: Not truly social media but via comments and reviews there is a limited degree of social interaction. By “social interaction” I mean badly-spelled threats of violence and cries of outrage, (often ridiculed as  “butthurt”), repeated ad infinitum.

There you have it – if there is other social media out there I’m, not hep to it, so I’ll probably be back with some vacuous assertions in the not-too distant future when I catch up.

Remember peeps, throw out your cell phone. smash your HD cable box, pay for everything in quarters, eat red meat, and burn diesel.

Life is as short as it is unpleasant,

Steve

Literary Driving Experiences

Joan Didion, pulling over to pick up a few

Joan Didion, pulling over to pick up a few “loosies” for the 2.5-mile drive home.

Ever wonder what it would be like to go for a ride with one of your literary heroes? Ever wonder what they drove? Here’s how I picture it:

Hemingway (Because no lit-list is complete without Hemingway):  Land Rover or perhaps one of those “Technicals” – Toyota pickups with heavy machine guns bolted in the bed that are the favorite of 3rd-world insurgents everywhere. “It is a good truck” he tells you, patting it’s flanks. “Strongly built. Well made. It would be a shame to lose it.” You know then that it will be lost, because no lit-list is complete without some minor-league bullshitter/hack loosely paraphrasing Hemingway’s style.

Flannery O’Connor: Bus pass, or, possibly, a 2004 Chrysler Mini-Van with a handicapped parking sticker, driven by her mother, or the devil.

Ian Fleming: Aston Martin. Of course. Driving gloves are mandatory. Supermodels fall over with their feet in the air in the wake of your passing but you don’t have time for that shit, you’re driving an Aston Martin. “Don’t touch any buttons,” Fleming tells you. You don’t dare.

Arturo Perez Reverte: “Get in” he says, picking you up at the hotel. He’s driving a rental, a tiny compact of some sort. He leaves your bags at the curb.  “I can speak English but don’t want to,” he tells you. He drives you around the city then, through stop signs, across traffic, the wrong way on one-ways, oblivious to the screams of pedestrians, other drivers, law enforcement, (such as it is in these European cities.) He is telling you something in great detail in Spanish. He looks at you intensely when he talks, which makes for some nerve-wracking directional corrections. He drops you  back off at hotel without saying good-bye. A few months later you see him in another country, in a cafe with an older woman, very well dressed, very beautiful. He pretends not to know you, but she pretends she does. You wonder, not for the first or last time, what he told you in the car.

Milan Kundera: Used Mercedes. Black. 80’s? 90’s? Early 2000’s? Who knows? They all look the same. Reeks of cigarette smoke and sophisticated ideological digression.

Gus Hasford: Mid 70’s Chrysler. A boat. Trunk is full of stolen library books and an M79 grenade launcher. “A souvenir” he tells you, and that he can’t find ammo for it, which seems to bum him out a bit. Car is unregistered, uninsured, and illegally parked.

Charles Bukowski: VW. He tells you he paid cash. There is a half a mickey of Cutty Sark in the glove box and a 6 of Heineken on the passenger seat with only 3 cans still in the webbing. It’s cleaner than you thought it would be, and you think that he must have a woman now, a good woman, not wolfish, or mad, or of temporary hire. Some carefully typed poems that were on the dash blow out the window as you move down the boulevard. “Don’t worry kid, I’ve got lots,” he says, and then “Crack one of those Heinies and hand it to me, will ya?”

John Irving: A big ol’ tradesman’s van. White. No windows. The back is piled with gym mats. He asks if you want to pull over and wrestle a bit. You decline. “Don’t be a pussy,” he says, and asks again. He’s not that big, and you’re pretty sure you can take him, but he does seem intense.

Stephen King: You didn’t actually get to ride in his vintage Pontiac GTO. You were hitchhiking and he blew by at 90+ and then stopped a hundred yards down the road and waved you up. Huffing and puffing and you ran up to the car only when you got within 10 yards he matted it, spitting gravel all over you, and flipped you the bird out the window. Fucker. But you think about and think it probably for the best not to get in a car alone with Stephen King.

Joan Didion. ’82 Vette – T-roof. Almost empty. There are 3 loose cigarettes rolling around the floor along with some medication. You look, She sees you looking. No one says anything. You get out to use the bathroom and when you come back there are 2 loose cigarettes. Your briefcase/bag is open – did you leave it open? You don’t think you left it open.  She sees you looking at your bag. She makes a note. No one says anything.

John Steinbeck: ’49 Fargo. Black. It’s rusting a bit but still runs, for now. Needs new tires badly.  There is a family of four living in the truck bed, sleeping on beds of rags with steadily depleting piles of firewood for pillows. Soon they’ll have only each other for pillows. Soon there will be less of them. They are cooking a thin soup made from tiny grains of sand and a beet leaf (one beet leaf, no plural) over a wood fire. The kids are too skinny and have runny noses. The wife has a persistent, dry cough and won’t make eye contact. The father seems alternately despondent, or, very, very angry.

Margaret Atwood: “Magnum P.I.” era Ferrari 308 with truck nuts and a bumper sticker saying “Don’t blame me I voted NDP.” She drives it through a puddle and splashes you as you wait for the bus. But still! Margaret Atwood! Almost a month later a package arrives in the mail. Its an Atwood T-Shirt and a lovely handwritten note: “Sorry I splashed you but I just had to. Like the car? I found it on E-Bay.” You think Hey! Margaret Atwood!

Cormac McCarthy: No car. He’s standing by a dead mule covered in flies, holding a hatchet. You take the long way around but you know, somehow, that he saw you. You know. You walk faster, your ears pricked.

Jean Rhys: A Rolls-Royce, chauffer-driven. It’s not hers, it’s his. Bought with his wife’s money, not his. Jean is not the wife. A few months later you see the Rolls again, same chauffeur, but it’s not Jean in the back. It’s a different woman, younger, prettier, happier … for now. Suddenly you notice Jean herself, standing just behind you, looking at the same car, the same scene. She looks a little wobbly, slightly disheveled, and maybe even a little high. Awkward.

Umberto Eco: A Fiat. For sure. He asks you if you pray and after a half an hour driving though Milan (or Rome, or any place in Italy) you do pray. You pray like a 14th Century Dominican Inquisitor, although your reason does not jibe with what Eco tells you about semantics and the meaning of prayer and stuff that doesn’t seem that important when you’re driving in a Fiat with Umberto Eco, your fingers firmly embedded in the dash and roof.

I am sure you can think of a few more.

By the way, the picture’s not mine and I’d take it down if sued. But I always liked it.

Stay young and cool forever, blog readers.

I shall return,

Steve

Hockey Fight Descriptives, Ranked in Order of Intensity

Puttin' on the foil, coach!

Puttin’ on the foil, coach!

Their are degrees of difference – and it’s important to know.

  1. Set-To
  2. Scrap
  3. Throw-Down
  4. Scrum
  5. Fracas
  6. Melee
  7. Brouhaha
  8. Bar-Room Shasta
  9. Donnybrook
  10. Ring-A-Dong-Dong-Dandy

Remember: The more you know, the smarter you is.

Over and Out,

Steve

Why I Write Part 2!

Hemingway, at the exact moment he realized he f*cking hated cats.

Hemingway, at the exact moment he realized he f*cking hated cats.

Ever see the #amwriting tag on twitter?

Its usually preceded by as much as 140-characters of something trumpeting some accomplishment or some sacrifice. All this effort with no possible hope of success begs a question as to why.

As for why I write?

  1. Because Steel Panther already has a drummer. For me, this is all that’s left.
  2. Because I wasn’t actually actually going to walk the dog anyways. Might as well sit down and write.
  3. Because I saw something on TV once or movie and thought “Meh, I can do that.”
  4. Because I read something once and thought “I could do that.”
  5. Because … chicks, money and fame. Soon anyways. DON’T JUDGE ME.
  6. Because truthfully, you can do this part time. I hate seeing “I have no time to write” complaints. I write all the time. I have kids and jobs and shit. Still get in a few thousand words whenever I feel like it.
  7. Because mostly I can write when I feel like it. Think of anything else you can do when you feel like it and I promise you, it will be a very short list.
  8. Because I get a strange sense of satisfaction out of putting words in a certain order.
  9. I do it because I like it. No one makes me write.
  10. Writer’s are fun and cool. We always have something to talk about. Surprisingly it’s rarely writing. We talk about our kids and dogs. Just like regular people.

I could go a little longer but you get the point. Don’t bitch about writing. It’s not that hard. I guess I could say “It’s easy to do but hard to be good at” but that platitude applies to everything. No one, me included, cares.

And that’s that.

Have a good one peeps, I’ll be back after I make my self-imposed 2,500 word quo .. nah. Already done. I’m gonna go lift weights.

Steve

PS – look at Papa and that cat again. It’s like they’ve been married for a year. Mutual hatred. They despise one another. Look!

:)

Valentines Day Special: Breaking Up.

Oh c'mon. It's funny.

Oh c’mon. It’s funny.

How’s that relationship going?

Great?

I don’t care. Seriously. Your happiness bores me.

Not that well?

Gee – That’s too bad.

Either way it’s time to break up because as everybody knows – you don’t get good at a thing unless you practice.

Firstly – pick the right song. You need a little song in your head the whole time you are breaking up because you are reminding yourself what you are doing. I prefer Greg Kihn’s “The Breakup song (They don’t write like that”) because it’s good and I like it and this is my note.

“We had broken up for good just an hour before
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh
Now I’m staring at the bodies as they’re dancing ‘cross the floor
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh”

I think it’s the “uh uh uh uh uh … uh” that I like and besides – it’s up tempo and you’ll break up happy as opposed to let’s say, Pearl Jam’s “Black” in which case you’ll break up via suicide. That shit is just depressing! You could be having sex on top of a big pile of $100’s while eating double-chocolate chip ice cream and if “Black” came on you’d get up, walk away, then hang yourself in the garage. You’ll be alone, cold, and probably be undiscovered for 4 days! But if Greg Kihn’s little 3-minute charmer comes on you can get that lovin’ in, finish the ice cream, scoop up some of those bills and break up happy!

Secondly – pick the person – the rules of this game are that they have to be someone you are actually seeing. By “seeing” I mean “seeing” as in dating in real life. I have lost track of how many times I have broken up with Lena Olin but it doesn’t matter because I have never met her. If I did meet her … I’d suggest (discretely, as is my normal M.O.) that we skip the formalities, “drop trou” as they say in England and head on straight into the 6 or 7 minutes of furious mediocrity that only I can give her… just so I could break up with her while she lit up that post-coital jet! If I can get my monkey trained to run a camera I can film the whole thing and sell you guys the “how to break up” video! If I can just get the court to throw out that ill-considered restraining order I’m pretty sure she’ll be amenable too! I mean – who are these people she surrounds herself with? These people who say they are “protecting” her? Assholes! But I digress …

Thirdly: You need a reason.

Just kidding on that one. You don’t really need a reason. In fact, if you are the kind of sucky-ass butter-tart that needs a reason I do not know that you should be reading this note. You need to get outside and drown yourself in a burlap sack along with the other 3-legged puppies. You break up with someone to break up with someone. That’s all the reason you need.

Besides – really – there is always a reason. Someone cheats, someone cries. Someone left the cap off of the toothpaste again, someone got dutch-ovened. There are more reasons to break up then there are to stay together. I can’t really tell you why to break up – I can just tell you how. So just do it.

Now that we have the music and the subject – and maybe a reason – we need some strategies. Although Paul Simon (in yet another break-up song) suggested that there were as many as “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover” in practice there are much fewer – so I’m gonna sketch out some basic strategies/tactics and of course some pro’s and con’s as to actually how to get ‘er done.

1: The Lay-Away Plan.

Ahhhh – The Layaway. My personal favorite. It works like this: Just quit calling/emailing/talking whatever.

Don’t think too much about this. Just stop. Don’t answer their calls/emails and at first-plaintive-then-eventually-shrill-texts.  Yep – you read me right – just ignore them until they go away. Eventually they’ll figure it out.

Pros: Avoids messy confrontation and/or overly sincere and emotional discussion of any issues at hand.

Cons: None whatsoever. Everyone just kinds of fades away. I’d give it about 3 weeks. If, after the 3 week point they have not figured out that you have broken up with them … we got laws against that and you can get a restraining order. Just go tell that cops that you broke up with them (because you did!) and they’ll help you out.

Rumor has it you can “level up” if you can pull off the following: If you run into them again in the future – introduce yourself to them as if you have never met them before. You can always date ’em again (They are nuts to agree to this but people are weird) and you can break up with them again too.

Faking your own obituary is kinda cool too. Bonus points if you can do that.

2: The Heapin’ Helpin’ (Of Passive Aggression!)

You’ll need some verbal skill to do this – but basically it works like this: You tell them that they broke up with you. No – seriously. You tell them that they broke up with you!

Imagine a conversation that goes like this:

He: “Well, I understand, really I do. If I were you I’d probably still feel the same way. I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I value – no – I cherish the good times we had and will always remember them.”

She: “What are you talking about?”

He: “Look – I’m just here to give you your key back and pick up that red hoodie I left here. After that I won’t bother you again.”

She: “Are you … are you … are you saying what I think you are saying?”

He: “I’m saying I’m alright with it. Really, I’m ok. I’m ok. *looks away sadly* “I’m ok”

She: *cries softly*

He: “Ummmm … my hoodie?”

Pros: Needless to say – Fun. Plus – It’s done. No need to sweat for 3 weeks every time the doorbell rings wondering if they forgot that they are on “the Layaway Plan”.

Cons: Harder to carry off then just running away on “The Layaway Plan”. Plus – some peeps will flat out deny that they broke up with you. These crazy people need to be dealt with by the law. I would not walk in to the station house the next day after work – I’d dial 911 pronto because you never know what these people will do when they are that deep in denial.

Pro Tip: Try to cry while giving them the “speech”. Because if you can fake sincerity – you can fake anything – and life will be good!

3: It’s Not Real if It Didn’t Happen on Facebook: 

We live in a wondrous age of easily accessible technology – so why not use it! Remember that chances are in this day and age you asked for the 1st date via electronic medium so it’s perfectly OK to use that same medium to terminate the relationship.

E-mail is a perfectly acceptable way of delivering the good news! Text messages – fine. Twitter? Not as much – everyone tweets but no one follows – I know I don’t. Nothing worse than breaking up with someone via twitter and no one knows it. Probably the best of all you can do right now while you read this is breaking up by Facebook status update! The old “‘Relationship Status” change will draw everyone’s attention! And in addition to a public outpouring of wholly undeserved sympathy there may be a hidden benefit: Someone reading it is ready to pounce and be the next person you break up with!

Whoa.

I had to smoke a post-something jet after just rereading that. Break-up … and … Bait your next hook up!

Just. Like. That.

Anyways, I write way better than I talk (I have a lithp!), so getting the boot from me via text/IM or Email is the next best thing to flirting with me via same. Actually – in the long run it’s probably way better for you to get the boot but I digress …

Pros: Avoids close personal contact and possibly a drawn out emotional confrontation. You’re less likely to get sucked in by some sob story and change your mind. And remember – there is an electronic record – you don’t even have to respond to them after you hit “send”. It’s done!

Cons: Well, you run the risk of being copied and pasted here there and everywhere. If you do not write well, or perhaps bang one of these out in the heat of the moment and use some poorly chosen words … it’s out there for everyone to see, forever, and you will be mocked accordingly. Like Rock and Roll, The internet never forgets.

Karma: Don’t ever break up via a text composed while you are on the can. Yeah yeah yeah – I know – no one ever texts from the porcelain throne yeah yeah yeah. Just remember that if you do: God will get you for that. Remember that you are just breaking up with someone – no need to be insulting.

The Oubliette

“Oubliette” is a French Word meaning “a place to be forgotten” – like the lowest level of the Bastille where prisoners were kept so long not even they remembered their names. So if you’ve read this far you have learned something.

The Bastille is gone, but what we have now is: Play World of Warcraft.

I am not sure if this fits under passive-aggressive or deserves its own heading (it’s both a reason to break up for some and a method by which to break up for others) but I got space to fill so here it is. Start up a WoW account and just … disappear. Really – it’ll be like you went into the witness protection program because 7 months later when you first walk out into the daylight again you’ll be so pasty and flaccid as to be unidentifiable and you’ll be single … I can guarantee it.

Pros: It works – and no messy entanglements because no one will ever expect to see you again.

Cons: WoW costs money and you might actually become an albino.  And then there is living in your mom’s basement to say nothing of Cheetoh addiction, unemployment, and generally being the butt of jokes. I won’t lie to you guys – there is a stigma that can be tough to get rid of and really, you would like to be able to move on in the dating game and break up with other people at some future point. A WoW rep can delay this indefinitely.

Caveat: WoW is so gender specific that women might not have this option. There are no female WoW players – just guys claiming to be female because if they leave the house they are required to introduce themselves to the neighbors under “Meagan’s law”.

So … for my female readers might I suggest playing Zynga’s “Farmville”.

Yes – Farmville – which should be subtitled “how to die alone”. You know my “sex and ice cream on a big pile of money” analogy? The only thing that can ruin it is one of the participants jumping up and shouting “I have pumpkins to harvest” and running away.

So Farmville ladies – your break up is never more than 2, 4, 6, 12, or 24 or whatever specified interval of hours away.

**********

So there ya go. Y’all go and find someone to break up with and live happily ever after! And hey – the Gin Blossoms had it right:

“Tell me do you think it’d be alright
If I could Just crash here tonight
As you see I’m in no shape for drivin’
And any way I’ve got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I ever had
I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone”

Blaah blah blah – someone call the wahmbulance!

Later Gators, I got bears to wrestle, glass shards to eat, and miles to go before I sleep.

Steve

Questions I Have Been Asked, Answers I Have Given

Anne Landers: Patron Saint of Advice Columnists and known for her excellent Bench Press Technique.

Anne Landers: Patron Saint of Advice Columnists and  lauded for her excellent Bench Press technique.

Questions I might have been asked, Answers I might have given …

Ok Paisanos – it’s been well documented that I do not give advice – but that’s where by advice you mean “opinions”. I do answer questions that have a factual response. Because I get so many of the same questions over and over again I thought I’d post a quick note for reference – a “Steve’s FAQ” if you well.

So here goes nothing:

Whaddya bench?

Whatever’s on the bar at the moment I am benching.

Times are tough. What’s the best job out there?

1) Teaching. Education is a growth industry – the population is always growing, and in tough times more people return to school to upgrade in hopes of moving on or up.

2) Health Care. The baby-boomers are getting older and need more and more Doctor’s, Nurses, and Personal Care Attendants. I’m not sure if it’s PCA’s or just angry people like me that work in old folks home for slightly less than minimum and stack ’em up like cord wood and hose the pee off ’em every three days or so but there’s going to be more of that in the future. Sign up now.

Condom Sizes –  What’s with this?

Marketing – they are all the same.  That’s why they are sold in “Large”, “Big” and “Fencepost” sizes.  Remember that Simpson’s episode where Homer toured the Duff brewery?  Where the big vat o’ Duff had 3 taps – one for “Duff”, one for “Duff Lite”. and one for “Duff Extra”?

Same thing.

So all beer is the same?

Ask your girlfriend

Internet Dating – Good Idea?

Yep. Pro’s and con’s like everything else but you’ll meet a lot of people in a hurry (most of whom will be waaaaay more normal than you might have feared) and you’ll drink a lot of coffee.  Caffeine is mild laxative so you’ll be regular and as we all know – the key to happiness is a healthy colon so …. Try internet dating.

My logic is impeccable.

I need to bring up my calves. What to do?

Treadmill, brisk walking pace – any incline from 3 to 8 degrees. Minimum 20 minutes but half an hour to 45 is better.  Do this 3 days/week (minium) for 3 – 6 months and you’ll have diamonds, guaranteed. Either that or get fatter – no one over 2 bills lacks for calves and if you can get over 250 – awesome calves are your calling card.

I see these kids in my gym, wearing jeans, “wife beaters”, and baseball caps with wide brims turned sideways. Who are they?

Guidos mainly.

If:

  1. Every Monday is “International Bench Press Day”
  2. Every Friday is “biceps before the bar” night
  3. They call each other “Bro” a lot

You’ve got Guidos –  or maybe even their cultural predecessor “Jersey Jackals”.  Don’t worry – they never last long and go away well before their membership expires. From time to time they will curl in the squat rack which is annoying but for the most part you will be able to squat all you want while they curl and pose.

Speaking of regularity, every Wednesday night is “the kitchen floor,  Mazola and some clothespins extravaganza” for me and the ol’ lady. So … Thursday’s I like to wear her white t-back for the day in memory of the night before. Adds a little “spice” ya know?  The problem is … skidmarks. By the end of the day that white t-back looks likes it been in a mudslide no matter how many yards of T.P. I go through during the day and try as I might I can never get it back clean again and wind up throwing it out. Can you help? Any cleaning tips?

“Eat me” signed, A Vegetable.

I am having marital trouble. My spouse and I do not get along. What to do?

Kill them.

Now.

Just do it.

But if you are not prepared to go that route I’d say try saying “please”, “thank-you” and “I’m sorry’ and try to be 1st to say it. If that doesn’t work … … …

OK, I am going to try internet dating. If I am really gonna meet that many people how do I vet them? How do I trust my judgement? Should I make up a list? There are around 30 – 35 (Ok, honestly 120) things I want in a man. I already have the list. I wrote it out one night when I was 19. Things like “opens door for me”  and “good with kids” and “steady job” and “doesn’t watch sports on TV” etc. Should I use the list?

Sister – how should I put this?

No.

No Lists.

Lists have an inherent mathematical property that works like this:

(# of Items on the list/2) – 2 = # of cats you will be living with in 3 years.

So if you have a 30-item list: 30/2 = 15 and then 15 – 2 = 13.

13 cats is more than enough to eat you right down to the bone when you die and will leave precious little for more traditional methods of preparing the deceased for eternal rest such as burial or cremation.

Do you want that?  I don’t think so.

So drop the list and maybe try to learn to go with the flow.

Plus I can tell you that each and every man has a list consisting of only 2 items:

  1. Likes to do it
  2. Not a psycho.

In this instance and in this instance only if “your list” matches “his list” I guarantee a lifetime of wedded bliss.  Permission is hereby granted for you to copy and paste that list and use it in your search for happiness.

Ok peeps – that’s all for now. Any other questions you want answered just email ‘em on in – confidentiality assured.

Steve

Road Trip Rock N’ Roll!

M at indio sign

My youngest at the ‘Indio” sign on the way into Indio. Did you know: The gas station in Indio where Jimmy Swaggart was busted for attempting to enter into an illegal transaction with a chubby hooker has a bronze plaque to memorialize the event? There was no way I was going to take a pic of the kid there so the Indio sign it was.

Highways and by-ways.

For no particular reason I packed up my youngest and we drove from the frozen wasteland of Southern Alberta and headed on down to sunny Palm Desert, California so we could spend New Year’s eve in a hot tub with the most beautiful woman in the world smoking cigars and having a couple of cold Buds and not actually making it to midnight.

Sadly, it was cold in SoCal too.

Throw in a stop at the Little Ale E Inn in Rachel, Nevada (it’s easy to imagine Aliens out there because there is nothing else) and let me tell ya – it was a long drive. Snow as far south as Ely, Nevada.

Fortunately the truck ran well and we had music and nothing makes for a good road trip like good road music.

Here – in no particular order – are my top 5 road songs and soem youtube links to enjoy them by:

FM “Phasors on Stun.”

I’m not particularly a an electronic music guy but this song hits a sweet spot. I thought about this while driving to Rachel, Nevada – all electronic music makes me think of Aliens – but the timeless  and dream-like quality of Nash the Slash and …  and … and that other guy’s synth/mandolin melodies made me think of internet dating.

Internet dating?

Yeah. You know how of all the women you met on the internet you can only remember 2/3? 1/3 because they were decent and 1/3 because they were so terrible you write blog posts about them? Well what happens to the other 1/3? AKA The “middle ground”? They are just forgotten. Kidnapped by aliens I guess. That dream you know you had but forget upon waking.

As an aside some inventive harpist has an excellent cover/’re-imagining” of this one you can check out here.

You know what would be better than one harp?

Two harps.

Word.

Fu Manchu “King of the Road”

To quote “The Champ”: Dangerous song Sha-La-La O-Bee-Doo. Very dangerous.

Fu’s fat and fuzzed out riffs and the heavy rhythms put you in speeding ticket territory every time. Starting at about the 2:40 mark, you’ll speed.  YOU’RE OVER THE LINE SMOKEY! (See what I did there? another pop-culture reference!) – but you do not give a fat rat’s behind.

Gotta keep it matted.

King of the Road says you move too slow – but the highway patrol may not concur.

Orange Goblin “Time Travelling Blues”

The Gods of the Riff are inscrutable at times. The bestow their favor where they will, withdraw it as they see fit. They hear no prayers, they are deaf to all curses. Their laws are few, the punishments severe. But for legendary British Stoner Rockers Orange Goblin they gave it all up at once for this sweet, sweet tune.

At 6:39 long this song has a satisfying length to it. Deeply satisfying. I promise. The miles, the stars, the remains of dead animals – all fly by and even time itself is crushed under the weight of this anthem.

Matt Mays “Terminal Romance”

As with the Orange Goblin tune above “Terminal Romance” has some length and the time will fly by. A great song makes you feel you have lived it – and although I have never broken up with anyone in New York City (never even been there) this song makes me regret what never was.

If I could sum up this song in one phrase it would be “Chicks eh?”

Big Sugar “Come Back Baby”

You know how sometimes you just want to drive with your knees on the steering and wave your hands/PBR tall-boy in the air? Or slalom through dead coyotes (I’m taking to you, Northern Nevada) or even just weave along the dotted center line? Oh c’mon. Don’t look at me that way. There is no one on some of those roads. This is the song.

Really, a convertible would make this song even more enjoyable. But it’s still pretty enjoyable. Some times, with the sun in your eye and the wind in your hair you feel so damned good you gotta sing and this is the song for that.

And that’s road trippin’ music!

I’ll be back once I’ve gotten rid of the ant-bites I got sitting by the pool. I kid you not, I think the deal Eisenhower cut with the Aliens in ’53 allowed free reign to these murderous little space ants and they moved into the Baghdad of SoCal because the pickings are good what with the blue-hairs being unable to outrun them and the Canadians not realizing that they are there.

PS: No music on the 405 in LA. That miserable shit of a freeway sucks the joy of music right out of every single person who ventures upon it. Speaking on behalf of myself and the 10.5 million people in the greater LA area: F*ck the 405.

Steve

Next Up: What I’m reading, and more publication news.

People Who Are Getting Nothing for Christmas

The problem with Christmas as a secular holiday is that everybody gets something – when in truth some people just don’t deserve anything. Here is a quick summary of those joyless shit-boxes that don’t deserve anything unless it’s the back o’ Santa’s hand:

Yoga proselytizers. Yeah yeah yeah – it’s good for you, but so are steroids, pot and Cialis and you don’t see me harping on you. Ditto Cross-fitters. Argue it out among yourselves. I’m glad you exercise. You lapped everyone still on the couch. No gifts.

Middle-Aged women in Creative Writing Classes, who, having never written anything at all, ever, advise the rest of the class that “Hemingway was not good. I’m sorry. But some of his stuff is shit.” Because the stakes are so high in continuing education classes some people magically rise to the occasion by letting everyone else know about that no-goodnik Hemingway? No gifts.

Anyone who’s name/Facebook profile picture appears on another (especially commercial) website with “Top Commentator”. Hell, “Top Commentators” period. Santa actually wrote a poem for you – just a few syllables short of a haiku. Here it is – wait for it … wait … … …  wait:

“Fuck You”.

Memorize that – you ain’t getting a signed copy because guess what? You get no gifts, troll.

Poets. They’re weird and they’ll complain about what they get. So give ’em nothing. Not even attention or they’ll just do it again.

Anyone who ever posted a “meme” on any social media site regarding overcoming adversity and blah blah blah. If you have the wherewithal to post to social media, things aren’t all that adverse. Secretly Really, everyone dislikes you. No gifts. I’d like to extend this to anyone who ever posted any “meme” ever – but maybe we could get you a blow-up sheep doll so you sheeple can reproduce and be even more thorough followers/re-posters of pop-psych diarrhea.

“Open Carry” Advocates. Oooh, look at you with your Chinese-made AK-47 knock-off walking around in Target. Ain’t no one gonna fuck with your rights, right? You know, like that right to intimidate a bunch of little old ladies in the toothpaste aisle. Except for the Chinese Gov’t, who already own you, because you are a chickenshit. Mind you, you would get a gift – if they made tampons large enough to put a whole person in. Maybe try to do a push-up first before you start packing, shitwit.

People who drive to a pipeline/fracking protest. If you really want to protest the hydrocarbon industry 1) Don’t drive or ride anything, ever. No planes, trains or automobiles. 2) Actually invent/fund/participate in the research and development of alternatives. Hypocrisy. like herpes, appears to be the gift that keeps on giving and you don’t need any more. You are taken care of in perpetuity. (Note: “We Bussed” supports my argument, not yours.)

Smug Bloggers peddling the same ol’ brand of snark that has populated the internet for a decade now. What a bunch of losers, right? How about trying to say something positive for a change? Immediately after posting this, I’m going to kick my own ass. It’s the right thing to do.

OK guys – I’m outta here. Gotta fill an old coke can with pea gravel then put it in a sock and administer some rough justice upon my own person. I’ll be back when I heal. Steve

Thoughts on Creative Personalities

A little background here:

A while back at my old office we were discussing the “weirdest people” to deal with as a class of clientele. The top two were Chefs/Cooks and Hairdressers.

In regards to chefs/cooks I have never worked in food service but a number of my co-workers had and they all had stories about chefs involving heavy drug use/knives/sexual harassment/rage-quitting in the middle of a shift. Stuff like that.

Hairdressers were just odd. I discussed this with an ex-girlfriend and she quickly described HD’s as “They think they’re ultra cool because they have piercings in their genitals and say “fuck” a lot.”

I don’t think that’s quite right but I do note that any hairdresser I have ever brought up the “hairdressers are nuts” issue to agreed wholeheartedly. Most brought up the constant exposure to the chemicals in perms/dyes etc. that are a constant part of their job as a factor in their Lovecraftian weirdness.

It made me think about creative types in general – can you in fact associate a person’s level of creativity with a corresponding level of weirdness?

I came up with an “off the cuff” list of occupations (from the notionally creative to the highly creative) listed in ascending order of nuttiness. “Ascending” means from lowest (almost normal – a few weird twitches) to highest (totally fucking out there.)

  1. Non-Fiction Writers/Journalism
  2. Graphic Designers/Illustrators
  3. Photographers
  4. Fiction Writers
  5. Hairdressers
  6. Chef’s
  7. Actors
  8. Painters/Sculptors
  9. Poets
  10. You choose/Open for further discussion
  11. Of course  individuals can be exceptions to the rule for all of the above – we can all think of examples – except for poets. Poets are nutters! It’s practically a requirement.

    Philosopher’s are even crazier but I’m not sure it’s A creative art or THE creative art so I didn’t include it here but I’m holding #10 on the list open in case of feedback.

    I eagerly await your input, loyal readers reader – and if it comes in couplets or dactylic hexameter … it’s proof positive. Especially dactylic hexameter.

    Over and out!

    Steve

ROAD TRIP RANDY

Go trip yourself!

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