WalMart is Full of Pervs

The WalMart Story

I have told this story before in another forum and because I have no new publishing news to report (and am at least 30 days away from hearing any based on my early December drinking/submission binge) I’m going to retell “The WalMart Story” to keep my blog alive:

Ok: So after my workout I had to go to WalMart to pick up a few items.

I’m in an interminable lineup at the till – the woman behind me has a sleeveless tee-shirt on and I can see she’s got some of those “jailhouse” tattoos. By “jailhouse” I mean they look like they are done with a razor and a bic pen.  And you know what? I can just “feel” her looking at me.  Basically: She’s eye-raping me. Totally.

Then … it dawns on me. Fresh from the gym I am still sweating a bit – and gym sweat – like any ultra-manly sweat off of an ultra-man doing something ultra-manly (as opposed to – let’s say – the sweat on a guy after the 5-0 stop him to ask why he’s parked across from the playground for 2 hours at a stretch during working hours) – it’s full of pheromones.

 For those of you who don’t know already let me just say this: Ultra-manly pheromones drive. Chicks. Mad. Seriously – it’s like magical fully aroused male sex-panther musk. When the ladies get a whiff they lose control.

Finally I could tolerate my eye-rapist no more so I turned to her and forgetting to use my “inside” voice said “I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!”

I’ll be damned nine different ways if she – and a few people in line behind her – didn’t just pack on up and go to another till far, far away.

I didn’t initially realize there were more Pervs than her but whatever – you know me – I judge people by their actions.

Wal Mart eh? Full of pervs or what?

My Name is Steve Passey and I write Fiction.

Author Bios

As noted in my earlier blog post and under the ‘events’ tab – I’m reading at an event called Writing in the Works (Spring 2013) in Calgary in April. One of the organizers has emailed me and requested my ‘author bio’ – basically the brief biographical sketch the emcee will introduce me to the assembled crowd by.

I’m torn. Basically I have two author bios – one “standard” and then one “I wish”.

“Standard” reads something like this: “Steve Passey lives and writes in Southern Alberta. His first published story Tiger Lily appeared in Existere issue 32.1 in the fall of 2012 and he has another piece appearing in an anthology to be published in the USA shortly. He is currently working on a novel and more short fiction.”

That’s nice hey?

“I wish” reads like this: “Steve Passey crawled out from underneath a pile of sleeping and deeply (emphasize “deeply”) satisfied supermodels long enough to publish the landmark short story Tiger Lily last year and if you walk to his front door and open it and substitute “agents/publishers” for supermodels you’ll know what his walkway looks like. We – indeed the world – await his new fiction with bated breath. His influences range from Chekhov to Maupassant to noted philosophizer (!) Socrates – who – in an alternative time and relative distance in space – claims to have been influenced by Steve. (You can only shag so many supermodels with a dialectic.) His ouvre consists primarily of guns and pussy.”

I’m sending the “standard” to the emcee who – to be fair – probably does not need to be subjected to other.

At any right – I’m gonna rock that reading. Be there.

Now I have to decide what I am going to read.

Writing in the Works Spring 2013

Writing in the Works Spring 2013

I’m reading at Writing in the Works Spring 2013 on April 11th in Calgary. For more details click the link – it’ll take you to the Calgary Public Library program guide – the event is on page 28. For more details check my event tab. It’s a line up full of heavy hitters and I won’t lie to you – I’m nervous. Nothing a couple a handful of percs and some JD can’t overcome though.

“Tiger Lily”

“Tiger Lily”

My first published story Tiger Lily appears in Existere issue 32.1. It’s not available on-line or for e-readers – but you can check Existere’s site or their twitter feed for retail locations.

Two interesting facts about Tiger Lily:

  1. It was the first story I ever wrote
  2. It was never rejected. Submitted and accepted. Boom. You have no idea how good that feels.

Rock on.

This is what it looks like.

This is what it looks like.

First Blog post: Naming the blog

I needed a blog to support my literary efforts – people like to track down my body of work and I like to be able to show ’em.

I settled on my name – with the tag line “Half Wit Lit” because … if ya knew me …

I considered a great many other tag lines/names but they were either taken, hopelessly derivative, pompous, outright plagiarized, or way too much of an inside joke. Here’s a selection for your review:

“The Most Important Lit Blog In the World”
Or “Sniping in Safeway’s Produce Section: A Guide”
Or “Dyslexics of the World: Untie!
Or “The Pump Won’t Work Because the Vandal Stole the Handle”
Or “No Poets Need Apply”
Or “Read This, Wrote That”
Or “Reading This, Writing That”
Or “Reading and Thinking and Missing the Seasons”
Or “I wait I wait I wait I wait”
Or “I did! I Did Taw a Puddy Tat!”
Or “Burn That Manuscript Now!”
Or “The Rejection Collection”
Or “Written in Crayon”
Or “The Rebel Writers Motorcycle Club”
Or “Rewrites”
Or “Buy My Damn Book Already”
Or “Serial Serials”
Or “Handwritten”
Or “You Write? That’s Nice.”
Or “Lurid Lit”
Or “Last Night I Dreamt of a Spider”
Or “Submission Confessions”
Or “Bigfoot’s Forgotten Love Child”
Or “We Were Writers Once, And Brave”
Or “Finish Your Novel Yet, Brian?”
Or “Short Bus Confessions”

As you can see I’m practically on fire today.