1) … No one gives a shit how much you hate Nickleback – including Nickleback. Do what I do, listen to what you like and don’t proselytize against bands you don’t like you annoying little sack of shit. I tell my music snob kid that I like songs that happen to be by bands. I can like “Clocks” and not obligated to like/fan/defend Coldplay. Few enough people care what you like – even fewer care what you don’t like.
2) You may not know this but …. James Joyce wrote sometimes impenetrable prose and had an eye patch. Thus he is cooler than you by far. The fact that I abandoned Ulysses about 200 pages in and never got anywhere with Finnegan’s Wake (page count doesn’t matter in Finnegan’s) says more about me than it does about him.
“‘Tis as human a little story as paper could well carry” – the only line in Finnegan’s Wake I can read. But hey! Cool eye-patch!
3) You may not know this but … if you are going to go to Calgary’s Comic Con dressed as Poison Ivy wearing a skin tight leotard please wear a thong under. Seriously – I saw one Poison Ivy there with very visible lines that I think may have been bicycle shorts or … her little brother’s boxer briefs. (I also saw five spider-men all together. If I’d had the presence of mind to snap a pic I would have captioned it “No one’s getting laid today!” but it was really crowded and I was still thinking of how this note would go in regards to Ivy.)
4) You may not know this but … We’re going on 15 years since there’s been a repeat Stanley Cup Champ (Detroit in ’97 and ’98) and the playoff grind is the single biggest reason. Take a look at the finalists year to year and you’ll see gaunt, haggard, bearded men that look not so much like hockey players as they do the survivors of Stalingrad. In this era it’s hard to repeat.
5) You may not know this but … men do not really think other good looking men are gay. We just say that because in the arms race that is the male mating process we have a rapid-fire and thoughtless responses sharpened to a dull edge by our inherent inferiority complexes. Women are way better at handling this sort of thing. Notice how women don’t automatically think other good looking women are lesbians?
They think they’re bitches.
6) You may not know this but … bruises, scrapes, bloody noses, and burst veins in your eyeballs are not the true test of effort in the gym/powerlifting. It takes time to get too fat and jack up your blood pressure and psych yourself up to do stupid shit. Passing out while deadlifting is pretty hardcore but not the most hardcore. I can actually teach you how to do that but I’d rather teach you this: The most hardcore thing you can do is booger on the mirror while squatting. Seriously – if you have enough weight on the bar it’ll crush you a little in the descent and force you to exhale. Because you’ll be trying to hold your breath all that air comes out your nose and voila – some little hunk of god knows what stored in your sinuses (or even your soul!) will pop out at 800m/sec (high powered rifle speed) and linger on the mirror as a reminder of your effort.
You can’t fake that. You can’t even do it deliberately – it’s not like blowing your nose. It just has to … happen.
I know a guy who pulls a curtain over the mirror while squatting – because you can’t use a mirror in a competition he wants to be able to “feel” depth. He’s a hell of a squatter I bet that curtain is greener than a hanky in the Foley family. (See below)
I’m going to digress now and discuss farting in the gym. Definitely not hardcore. In fact: Kind of lame. I don’t care if you refer to your squats as “pant-shitters” or to the depth of same as “picking up quarters” – it’s not hardcore because it’s a statistically proven fact Yoga out-farts lifting 3-to-1. Yoga is not all that hardcore. So if you are going to treat the gym to the atomized residuals of your 7-11 Breakfast Burrito I’d suggest doing it while walking around the gym. This is called “crop-dusting” and is equally unfair to everyone in the gym but at the same time it’s hard to pin it on a single perpetrator. It’s egalitarian and … you have plausible deniability! Don’t do it in the squat rack – or indeed another fixed piece of equipment. That is wrong. And we don’t do wrong. we crop dust.
7) … You may not know this but … skepticism that runs only one way is not skepticism at all. Absolutely you are being lied to. You choose what lies you believe.
8) … You may not know this but … retail gas prices are calculated according to the following formula:
… hey wait. What formula? Holy shit! No one knows how retail gas prices are calculated! Praise the Lord, pass the astroglide and try to think of something else.
9) You may not know this but … there were 13 kids in the Foley Family and not more than a year apart between any of them. Lots of “Catholic Twins” as they say. Thus the “Foley Family Hanky” analogy above.
I played in a mixed slo-pitch tourney with one of the Foley’s many years ago – he showed up hung over and was good for shit. Got the whole “shits n giggles” thing backwards and, unfortunately, forwards – and then backwards again. He was on a “closed” loop as they say. But I digress. With the Foley family tree on our minds we’d note something that looked pretty used up and say it was “more chewed up than a stick of juicy fruit in the Foley family”.
I’m not sure what role this anecdote plays in this post but fuck it – there it is.
10) … You may not know this but … monkey steals the peach! This is from one of those “Count Dante’s Fighting Academy” books you could order out of the back pages of comic books back in the day.
Laugh if you will but if old pencil-legs-in-a-ski-mask here assumed this stance you’d best cover up your peaches and run. I’m not sure how deadly he is but he’s definitely a bat shit insane serial grape fondler. The worst is you can’t even tell your friends. What are you going to say – “Holy shit guys! You’ll never believe this but I narrowly escaped having my eggs rolled on the finger tips – the strong, supple fingertips of … ahhhh never mind. I said NEVER MIND!”
This pic makes me laugh every time.
Hey! Look at the time. Somebody beer me already