Ok – we all know that the death penalty should be applied only in extreme circumstances where both the guilt of the offending party and the horrific nature of the crime warrants it. But hey – I’m Canadian and in Canada there is no crime punishable by death. Up here it’s ok to be a serial killer! It’s probably somebody else’s fault! You’re psychotic – you have a problem – you need help. There is no absolute right and no absolute wrong!
But even without absolutes there are some pretty-much-always-wrong’s … even in Canada some things go beyond the pale. Yeah – even in Canada there is a groundswell of support for the speedy dispatch of the worst among us. Even in Canada, where you can write letters taunting the parents of your victims – there are some things that you. Just. Can’t. Do. As an aside – I’d like to see the death penalty made less a matter of jurisprudence and more a matter of …. awesomeness.
But I digress. First up …
People who Pay for One Coffee via Debit in the Tim’s Drive-thru:
Hang these stains upon humanity and let them swing from the gibbet as a warning to others!
Setting aside for a moment the fact that Tim’s could render this a moot point by making all drive-thru’s “cash only” and serve only beverages and pastries … until then we have to put up with that sociopath in the van fishing out the debit card for a $1.55 transaction and cutting 5 minutes out of our day!
The above is a factual representation of Tim’s gridlock @ 7:45 am on any weekday, anywhere.
People Who Fart in Doorways.
You know who you are.
You are hereby sentenced to be smothered to death with a dead sheep’s carcass – just like you tried to do to us!
Guys in Lulu Lemon
Because if you don’t have the decency to just die of shame we are going to have to bury you alive. Alive, alone, unmarked, and forgotten – the latter applying only when they invent brain/eye bleach.
Dr. Jenny McArthy. MD
Death by a rusty nail!
Because each time a baby dies of whooping cough, mumps, measles or some other previously forgotten (and easily preventable) disease, Dr. Jenny levels up.
A babies coffin i.e. First Prize in the Anti-Vax Sweepstakes.
Internet Tough Guys
Death by Ninja!
From this point on all internet tough guys, be they Ninja’s, 1,000 lb-Benchers, or YoVille hackerz … are hereby compelled to back it up. I suspect the world’s population of 14 – 21 year old males who have never kissed a girl is gonna be greatly reduced but whatever. Point is – it’s “yes sir”, “no ma’am”, or throw down.
People Who post Bullshiat Blog Updates
Death by boredom!
I mean really – who has time for this shiat? Munchkinism – it’s everywhere.
Hang this handsome MF-er now. NOW!
Rock on Amigos/Amigas – I’ll be back when someone breaks the seventh seal!