What NOT to get me for Christmas

What not to buy me for Christmas.

It’s that time of year! And because I know you guys rock and rock hard I bet you are all planning to buy me something good for Christmas. I’m actually fairly easy to please – but just so that you don’t get any craaaaazy ideas here are some things on the DO NOT BUY FOR STEVE list:

Pink Wink!

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Seriously. I am shocked to find such a thing on the market and can only conclude this represents the collapse of Western Civilization.

How did we go from “the greatest generation” – those hearty pioneer forefathers and mothers that beat back the Nazi hordes and then stonewalled the commies for nearly 50 years to “pink wink”? I don’t know about you but I tain’t really sure.

All I know is that those same chain-smoking, red-meat eating, god-fearing pioneer ancestors of ours did it all with “delicate areas” the color and texture of asphalt or maybe zombie and did it without a second thought as to “bleaching”.

What color is “zombie”? I don’t know but zombies are all the rage these days and I like the metaphor and am running with it.

Dr. Pepper

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Ditto Cream Soda. I gag thinking of it.  I’d rather suck the farts out of a dead chicken then taste Dr. Pepper or Cream Soda.

Velvet Elvis.

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Seriously. People – no good can come of this.

Another True Story: Elvis came to me in a dream and said that if I destroyed every velvet Elvis he’d give me the winning numbers in the lottery. “Seriously?” I asked. “No not seriously” he said “You’re dreaming! But I really do hate those f*cking things!”

Shocking! But y’know – more than what he said was how he said it – it sounded rebellious and cool at the same time!

Moving on.

The Desiccated Remains of Herve Villechaize

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Whoa. A line was just crossed.

You know what? You guys can stay and hang out here if you like, but I’m gonna go now …

Used Porn

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It was funny in “the 40-year old virgin” but that was a movie and you giving me your stash is going to make our relationship awkward. Especially when I work my way through the good stuff and get to the bottom of the box and see some seriously sick shit.

Remember my clever “Zombie Color” metaphor for unmentionable body-parts a few paragraphs ago? Here’s another awesome metaphor: Used Porn is the “Dutch Oven” of re-gifting.

It stinks, it’s not right, and it’ll put a strain on our relationship.

Tighty Whiteys!

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Oh. Wow. You are not just a bad person for thinking of this – you are a special kind of bad person.

I am rogue adult male who lifts weights, loves Burger King and drives too fast … and you already know how I feel about “pink wink”. This is so wrong.

You know what – just buy me some beer. I like beer. Doesn’t have to be good – as long as it’s cold.

Ok Peeps – forewarned is forearmed.

I’ll be back after I defeat my evil twin in a laser sword-fight at the top of an abandoned factory!

Steve

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Shameless Self-Promotion

A little shameless Self-Promotion: Here’s a pic of the proposed cover art along with a sidebar from my story in the upcoming May 2014 issue of Big Pulp’s “Murder & the Macabre” imprint.

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Remember the following formula for when times are tough: Buy Big Pulp + Blow sh*t up = Stay Awesome.

You can subscribe to Big Pulp here, their website is here, and don’t forget to go throw them a “like on their Facebook here.

“But Steve” you say “Before I go throwing my hard-earned rubles down on Big Pulp what is “Shotgun Suicide” actually about? I’ll be honest – I’m a little worried based on the title alone.”

I’m glad you asked! Without giving too much away I can say that It’s Oprah-esque fiction about recovery, redemption and the power of a dream. It’s not like yours truly would write about guns, weed, strippers and weed right?

So go on and buy now!

Later Gators!