What I’d Do If I Won The Lottery …

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You know how people generally plan to be benevolent should their numbers come up and they win a lottery? Everyone’s an arm-chair philanthropist who wants to help this charity or that foundation and in general sprinkle some largess around?

Bullshiat.

People do that because they hope that in some “karmic” way the promise of – or even the belief in – their own future benevolence will somehow improve their chances of winning.

Yes – I know what you are thinking and quite frankly, it’s sad.

If I win I am A) Betting – large – on the richest man entered in a puppy-kicking contest and, B) Buying a bunch of AK-47’s with 200 rounds each and sending them to some feckless Third World Civil War.

So … in a karmic way and with great faith in my own future malevolence …. I bet my chances of winning are just as bad as yours.

Gotta go – time to walk the dog!

Steve

Valentines Day for Single People! Ten Things You Can Do!

Valentine’s Day Advice … for Single People

Disclaimer: This is easily the most mean-spirited note I have ever written! But … critics should remember that I am both thin-skinned and violent.

Ok peeps – it’s that day again. Roses and chocolate for the lucky few! But what about … the “others’”? What then shall we have? What then shall we do? Fortunately – I am here with a few suggestions to alleviate what might otherwise be a day of intolerable loneliness.

1) Sit on the couch with a pint of strawberry Haagen-Dazs and your two cats watching re-runs of “House” … otherwise known as the “Married Woman’s Valentine’s Day”

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He’s actually British and, I assume , as gay as a French horn. Not for you ladies, not for you.

2) Write out a list of all the qualities you want in a potential mate … just remember to title it “How to Die Alone” because that’s what happens to persnickety list-makers. But the list making will feel good now and the dying alone will come after. So go on and write out your list now!

3) Play computer games or work on “the car” (by which I mean hang out in the garage with a beer and some tunes) and not have sex … otherwise known as “The Married Man’s Valentine’s Day”.

4) Female singletons may wish to pay a debonair and erudite middle-aged man (scroll down and see the picture on the right margin of this blog) for an evening of witty repartee and the kind of sexual favors you’d be embarrassed to ask for if they were free …

5) Male singletons may wish to crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait their turn!

6) You could go to the gym. Seriously – when people say “I need a bf” or “I need a gf” I always say “… then join a gym, get a decent haircut, and get the hell off of the computer … now!”

7) Get a dog! Seriously – they’re way more demanding than people but people who can’t get along with other people can always get a dog. And some peanut butter. But I digress …

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PSA: Chocolate Labs Have no Redeeming Qualities Whatsoever. None. 

8) Listen to Pearl Jam’s “Black” over and over again … until you die of melancholy. Seriously! “My bitter hands/Cradle the broken glass/Of what was everything”. I feel guilty for even suggesting it.

9) Creep your exes Facebook! Or, if that would violate the restraining order, creep your friend’s Facebooks looking at their hot friends of the opposite gender! (Otherwise known as “Facebook’s Reason for Being!”)

10) Get good and fucking baked and start writing that novel. Misery does not love company – it loves bad narrative! Poetry? If you write poetry that’s probably why you’re alone. So don’t even bring it up!

So there ya go peeps! 10 ways to spend a productive Valentine’s Day by yourself. Remember – it’s a commercial holiday anyways … right? Right?

… right … ?

I’ll be back once the ransom is paid!

Steve!

Death … By Expiry Date …

I was re-organizing the pantry and found some gluten-free pasta that was “BEST BEFORE NOV ’13”. I thought back to Leviticus where God says “The Lord hateth a coward” and “Waste not want not” so I cooked that sh** up and ate the hell out of it.

If I don’t make it I want you guys – all of you who follow my blog – to know you  were all really cool. Even the uncool ones. You were cool too in your own hard-to-define way. Peace out. Go Bruins!

Steve

*ack*