The problem with Christmas as a secular holiday is that everybody gets something – when in truth some people just don’t deserve anything. Here is a quick summary of those joyless shit-boxes that don’t deserve anything unless it’s the back o’ Santa’s hand:
Yoga proselytizers. Yeah yeah yeah – it’s good for you, but so are steroids, pot and Cialis and you don’t see me harping on you. Ditto Cross-fitters. Argue it out among yourselves. I’m glad you exercise. You lapped everyone still on the couch. No gifts.
Middle-Aged women in Creative Writing Classes, who, having never written anything at all, ever, advise the rest of the class that “Hemingway was not good. I’m sorry. But some of his stuff is shit.” Because the stakes are so high in continuing education classes some people magically rise to the occasion by letting everyone else know about that no-goodnik Hemingway? No gifts.
Anyone who’s name/Facebook profile picture appears on another (especially commercial) website with “Top Commentator”. Hell, “Top Commentators” period. Santa actually wrote a poem for you – just a few syllables short of a haiku. Here it is – wait for it … wait … … … wait:
Memorize that – you ain’t getting a signed copy because guess what? You get no gifts, troll.
Poets. They’re weird and they’ll complain about what they get. So give ’em nothing. Not even attention or they’ll just do it again.
Anyone who ever posted a “meme” on any social media site regarding overcoming adversity and blah blah blah. If you have the wherewithal to post to social media, things aren’t all that adverse.
Secretly Really, everyone dislikes you. No gifts. I’d like to extend this to anyone who ever posted any “meme” ever – but maybe we could get you a blow-up sheep doll so you sheeple can reproduce and be even more thorough followers/re-posters of pop-psych diarrhea.
“Open Carry” Advocates. Oooh, look at you with your Chinese-made AK-47 knock-off walking around in Target. Ain’t no one gonna fuck with your rights, right? You know, like that right to intimidate a bunch of little old ladies in the toothpaste aisle. Except for the Chinese Gov’t, who already own you, because you are a chickenshit. Mind you, you would get a gift – if they made tampons large enough to put a whole person in. Maybe try to do a push-up first before you start packing, shitwit.
People who drive to a pipeline/fracking protest. If you really want to protest the hydrocarbon industry 1) Don’t drive or ride anything, ever. No planes, trains or automobiles. 2) Actually invent/fund/participate in the research and development of alternatives. Hypocrisy. like herpes, appears to be the gift that keeps on giving and you don’t need any more. You are taken care of in perpetuity. (Note: “We Bussed” supports my argument, not yours.)
Smug Bloggers peddling the same ol’ brand of snark that has populated the internet for a decade now. What a bunch of losers, right? How about trying to say something positive for a change? Immediately after posting this, I’m going to kick my own ass. It’s the right thing to do.
OK guys – I’m outta here. Gotta fill an old coke can with pea gravel then put it in a sock and administer some rough justice upon my own person. I’ll be back when I heal. Steve