Questions I Have Been Asked, Answers I Have Given

Anne Landers: Patron Saint of Advice Columnists and known for her excellent Bench Press Technique.

Anne Landers: Patron Saint of Advice Columnists and  lauded for her excellent Bench Press technique.

Questions I might have been asked, Answers I might have given …

Ok Paisanos – it’s been well documented that I do not give advice – but that’s where by advice you mean “opinions”. I do answer questions that have a factual response. Because I get so many of the same questions over and over again I thought I’d post a quick note for reference – a “Steve’s FAQ” if you well.

So here goes nothing:

Whaddya bench?

Whatever’s on the bar at the moment I am benching.

Times are tough. What’s the best job out there?

1) Teaching. Education is a growth industry – the population is always growing, and in tough times more people return to school to upgrade in hopes of moving on or up.

2) Health Care. The baby-boomers are getting older and need more and more Doctor’s, Nurses, and Personal Care Attendants. I’m not sure if it’s PCA’s or just angry people like me that work in old folks home for slightly less than minimum and stack ’em up like cord wood and hose the pee off ’em every three days or so but there’s going to be more of that in the future. Sign up now.

Condom Sizes –  What’s with this?

Marketing – they are all the same.  That’s why they are sold in “Large”, “Big” and “Fencepost” sizes.  Remember that Simpson’s episode where Homer toured the Duff brewery?  Where the big vat o’ Duff had 3 taps – one for “Duff”, one for “Duff Lite”. and one for “Duff Extra”?

Same thing.

So all beer is the same?

Ask your girlfriend

Internet Dating – Good Idea?

Yep. Pro’s and con’s like everything else but you’ll meet a lot of people in a hurry (most of whom will be waaaaay more normal than you might have feared) and you’ll drink a lot of coffee.  Caffeine is mild laxative so you’ll be regular and as we all know – the key to happiness is a healthy colon so …. Try internet dating.

My logic is impeccable.

I need to bring up my calves. What to do?

Treadmill, brisk walking pace – any incline from 3 to 8 degrees. Minimum 20 minutes but half an hour to 45 is better.  Do this 3 days/week (minium) for 3 – 6 months and you’ll have diamonds, guaranteed. Either that or get fatter – no one over 2 bills lacks for calves and if you can get over 250 – awesome calves are your calling card.

I see these kids in my gym, wearing jeans, “wife beaters”, and baseball caps with wide brims turned sideways. Who are they?

Guidos mainly.

If:

  1. Every Monday is “International Bench Press Day”
  2. Every Friday is “biceps before the bar” night
  3. They call each other “Bro” a lot

You’ve got Guidos –  or maybe even their cultural predecessor “Jersey Jackals”.  Don’t worry – they never last long and go away well before their membership expires. From time to time they will curl in the squat rack which is annoying but for the most part you will be able to squat all you want while they curl and pose.

Speaking of regularity, every Wednesday night is “the kitchen floor,  Mazola and some clothespins extravaganza” for me and the ol’ lady. So … Thursday’s I like to wear her white t-back for the day in memory of the night before. Adds a little “spice” ya know?  The problem is … skidmarks. By the end of the day that white t-back looks likes it been in a mudslide no matter how many yards of T.P. I go through during the day and try as I might I can never get it back clean again and wind up throwing it out. Can you help? Any cleaning tips?

“Eat me” signed, A Vegetable.

I am having marital trouble. My spouse and I do not get along. What to do?

Kill them.

Now.

Just do it.

But if you are not prepared to go that route I’d say try saying “please”, “thank-you” and “I’m sorry’ and try to be 1st to say it. If that doesn’t work … … …

OK, I am going to try internet dating. If I am really gonna meet that many people how do I vet them? How do I trust my judgement? Should I make up a list? There are around 30 – 35 (Ok, honestly 120) things I want in a man. I already have the list. I wrote it out one night when I was 19. Things like “opens door for me”  and “good with kids” and “steady job” and “doesn’t watch sports on TV” etc. Should I use the list?

Sister – how should I put this?

No.

No Lists.

Lists have an inherent mathematical property that works like this:

(# of Items on the list/2) – 2 = # of cats you will be living with in 3 years.

So if you have a 30-item list: 30/2 = 15 and then 15 – 2 = 13.

13 cats is more than enough to eat you right down to the bone when you die and will leave precious little for more traditional methods of preparing the deceased for eternal rest such as burial or cremation.

Do you want that?  I don’t think so.

So drop the list and maybe try to learn to go with the flow.

Plus I can tell you that each and every man has a list consisting of only 2 items:

  1. Likes to do it
  2. Not a psycho.

In this instance and in this instance only if “your list” matches “his list” I guarantee a lifetime of wedded bliss.  Permission is hereby granted for you to copy and paste that list and use it in your search for happiness.

Ok peeps – that’s all for now. Any other questions you want answered just email ‘em on in – confidentiality assured.

Steve

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3 thoughts on “Questions I Have Been Asked, Answers I Have Given

  1. So there I am on a Sunday morning, minding my own business, and BAM! a post from Steve. And it’s a gooder, but I’m having trouble explaining to people how you’re actually not a crazy person.

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