Valentines Day Special: Breaking Up.

Oh c'mon. It's funny.

Oh c’mon. It’s funny.

How’s that relationship going?

Great?

I don’t care. Seriously. Your happiness bores me.

Not that well?

Gee – That’s too bad.

Either way it’s time to break up because as everybody knows – you don’t get good at a thing unless you practice.

Firstly – pick the right song. You need a little song in your head the whole time you are breaking up because you are reminding yourself what you are doing. I prefer Greg Kihn’s “The Breakup song (They don’t write like that”) because it’s good and I like it and this is my note.

“We had broken up for good just an hour before
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh
Now I’m staring at the bodies as they’re dancing ‘cross the floor
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh”

I think it’s the “uh uh uh uh uh … uh” that I like and besides – it’s up tempo and you’ll break up happy as opposed to let’s say, Pearl Jam’s “Black” in which case you’ll break up via suicide. That shit is just depressing! You could be having sex on top of a big pile of $100’s while eating double-chocolate chip ice cream and if “Black” came on you’d get up, walk away, then hang yourself in the garage. You’ll be alone, cold, and probably be undiscovered for 4 days! But if Greg Kihn’s little 3-minute charmer comes on you can get that lovin’ in, finish the ice cream, scoop up some of those bills and break up happy!

Secondly – pick the person – the rules of this game are that they have to be someone you are actually seeing. By “seeing” I mean “seeing” as in dating in real life. I have lost track of how many times I have broken up with Lena Olin but it doesn’t matter because I have never met her. If I did meet her … I’d suggest (discretely, as is my normal M.O.) that we skip the formalities, “drop trou” as they say in England and head on straight into the 6 or 7 minutes of furious mediocrity that only I can give her… just so I could break up with her while she lit up that post-coital jet! If I can get my monkey trained to run a camera I can film the whole thing and sell you guys the “how to break up” video! If I can just get the court to throw out that ill-considered restraining order I’m pretty sure she’ll be amenable too! I mean – who are these people she surrounds herself with? These people who say they are “protecting” her? Assholes! But I digress …

Thirdly: You need a reason.

Just kidding on that one. You don’t really need a reason. In fact, if you are the kind of sucky-ass butter-tart that needs a reason I do not know that you should be reading this note. You need to get outside and drown yourself in a burlap sack along with the other 3-legged puppies. You break up with someone to break up with someone. That’s all the reason you need.

Besides – really – there is always a reason. Someone cheats, someone cries. Someone left the cap off of the toothpaste again, someone got dutch-ovened. There are more reasons to break up then there are to stay together. I can’t really tell you why to break up – I can just tell you how. So just do it.

Now that we have the music and the subject – and maybe a reason – we need some strategies. Although Paul Simon (in yet another break-up song) suggested that there were as many as “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover” in practice there are much fewer – so I’m gonna sketch out some basic strategies/tactics and of course some pro’s and con’s as to actually how to get ‘er done.

1: The Lay-Away Plan.

Ahhhh – The Layaway. My personal favorite. It works like this: Just quit calling/emailing/talking whatever.

Don’t think too much about this. Just stop. Don’t answer their calls/emails and at first-plaintive-then-eventually-shrill-texts.  Yep – you read me right – just ignore them until they go away. Eventually they’ll figure it out.

Pros: Avoids messy confrontation and/or overly sincere and emotional discussion of any issues at hand.

Cons: None whatsoever. Everyone just kinds of fades away. I’d give it about 3 weeks. If, after the 3 week point they have not figured out that you have broken up with them … we got laws against that and you can get a restraining order. Just go tell that cops that you broke up with them (because you did!) and they’ll help you out.

Rumor has it you can “level up” if you can pull off the following: If you run into them again in the future – introduce yourself to them as if you have never met them before. You can always date ’em again (They are nuts to agree to this but people are weird) and you can break up with them again too.

Faking your own obituary is kinda cool too. Bonus points if you can do that.

2: The Heapin’ Helpin’ (Of Passive Aggression!)

You’ll need some verbal skill to do this – but basically it works like this: You tell them that they broke up with you. No – seriously. You tell them that they broke up with you!

Imagine a conversation that goes like this:

He: “Well, I understand, really I do. If I were you I’d probably still feel the same way. I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I value – no – I cherish the good times we had and will always remember them.”

She: “What are you talking about?”

He: “Look – I’m just here to give you your key back and pick up that red hoodie I left here. After that I won’t bother you again.”

She: “Are you … are you … are you saying what I think you are saying?”

He: “I’m saying I’m alright with it. Really, I’m ok. I’m ok. *looks away sadly* “I’m ok”

She: *cries softly*

He: “Ummmm … my hoodie?”

Pros: Needless to say – Fun. Plus – It’s done. No need to sweat for 3 weeks every time the doorbell rings wondering if they forgot that they are on “the Layaway Plan”.

Cons: Harder to carry off then just running away on “The Layaway Plan”. Plus – some peeps will flat out deny that they broke up with you. These crazy people need to be dealt with by the law. I would not walk in to the station house the next day after work – I’d dial 911 pronto because you never know what these people will do when they are that deep in denial.

Pro Tip: Try to cry while giving them the “speech”. Because if you can fake sincerity – you can fake anything – and life will be good!

3: It’s Not Real if It Didn’t Happen on Facebook: 

We live in a wondrous age of easily accessible technology – so why not use it! Remember that chances are in this day and age you asked for the 1st date via electronic medium so it’s perfectly OK to use that same medium to terminate the relationship.

E-mail is a perfectly acceptable way of delivering the good news! Text messages – fine. Twitter? Not as much – everyone tweets but no one follows – I know I don’t. Nothing worse than breaking up with someone via twitter and no one knows it. Probably the best of all you can do right now while you read this is breaking up by Facebook status update! The old “‘Relationship Status” change will draw everyone’s attention! And in addition to a public outpouring of wholly undeserved sympathy there may be a hidden benefit: Someone reading it is ready to pounce and be the next person you break up with!

Whoa.

I had to smoke a post-something jet after just rereading that. Break-up … and … Bait your next hook up!

Just. Like. That.

Anyways, I write way better than I talk (I have a lithp!), so getting the boot from me via text/IM or Email is the next best thing to flirting with me via same. Actually – in the long run it’s probably way better for you to get the boot but I digress …

Pros: Avoids close personal contact and possibly a drawn out emotional confrontation. You’re less likely to get sucked in by some sob story and change your mind. And remember – there is an electronic record – you don’t even have to respond to them after you hit “send”. It’s done!

Cons: Well, you run the risk of being copied and pasted here there and everywhere. If you do not write well, or perhaps bang one of these out in the heat of the moment and use some poorly chosen words … it’s out there for everyone to see, forever, and you will be mocked accordingly. Like Rock and Roll, The internet never forgets.

Karma: Don’t ever break up via a text composed while you are on the can. Yeah yeah yeah – I know – no one ever texts from the porcelain throne yeah yeah yeah. Just remember that if you do: God will get you for that. Remember that you are just breaking up with someone – no need to be insulting.

The Oubliette

“Oubliette” is a French Word meaning “a place to be forgotten” – like the lowest level of the Bastille where prisoners were kept so long not even they remembered their names. So if you’ve read this far you have learned something.

The Bastille is gone, but what we have now is: Play World of Warcraft.

I am not sure if this fits under passive-aggressive or deserves its own heading (it’s both a reason to break up for some and a method by which to break up for others) but I got space to fill so here it is. Start up a WoW account and just … disappear. Really – it’ll be like you went into the witness protection program because 7 months later when you first walk out into the daylight again you’ll be so pasty and flaccid as to be unidentifiable and you’ll be single … I can guarantee it.

Pros: It works – and no messy entanglements because no one will ever expect to see you again.

Cons: WoW costs money and you might actually become an albino.  And then there is living in your mom’s basement to say nothing of Cheetoh addiction, unemployment, and generally being the butt of jokes. I won’t lie to you guys – there is a stigma that can be tough to get rid of and really, you would like to be able to move on in the dating game and break up with other people at some future point. A WoW rep can delay this indefinitely.

Caveat: WoW is so gender specific that women might not have this option. There are no female WoW players – just guys claiming to be female because if they leave the house they are required to introduce themselves to the neighbors under “Meagan’s law”.

So … for my female readers might I suggest playing Zynga’s “Farmville”.

Yes – Farmville – which should be subtitled “how to die alone”. You know my “sex and ice cream on a big pile of money” analogy? The only thing that can ruin it is one of the participants jumping up and shouting “I have pumpkins to harvest” and running away.

So Farmville ladies – your break up is never more than 2, 4, 6, 12, or 24 or whatever specified interval of hours away.

**********

So there ya go. Y’all go and find someone to break up with and live happily ever after! And hey – the Gin Blossoms had it right:

“Tell me do you think it’d be alright
If I could Just crash here tonight
As you see I’m in no shape for drivin’
And any way I’ve got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I ever had
I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone”

Blaah blah blah – someone call the wahmbulance!

Later Gators, I got bears to wrestle, glass shards to eat, and miles to go before I sleep.

Steve

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