When he is 1: Tell him that you “can make him, or break him” and that the betting money is on “break.”
When he’s 3: Drop him off at pre-school and tell him that the other children don’t like him because he is a poo-poo head, and they will smother him to death if he naps. “Best keep one eye open, son. They are not us.”
When he’s 5: Tell him you have a gun in the house, but you won’t tell him where because it’s for bad guys. Then tell him you are not sure, but you think he may be a bad guy. “Jury’s out.”
When he’s 7: Let him sleep with the light on. In fact – insist he sleep with a light on, “because some day there won’t be any more light”.
When he’s 9: Tell him that you bought him a puppy today, but that traffic was very slow and you got very hungry, so you pulled over to a road-side stop, made a small fire, and cooked and ate the puppy. “It was good, so good.”
When he’s 11: Tell him you are exercising your parental option to hold him out of “Teen-Ed” because the rapture is nigh and it will most certainly involve high amounts of radiation. “No one wants any radioactive babies, with their glowing eyes, their glowing fangs, their glowing hunger.”
When he is 13: Tell him you often spend Saturdays (and some Wednesday evenings) with your “real family” and that when the end-times come, you will go to be with them, because they are your loved ones.
When he is 15: Tell him he can apply to become an “emancipated minor” next year, and that you think, for a number of reasons, this is the way he should go. Post Secondary education? Not so much. It won’t be there after the fire anyway.
When his is 17: Tell him that you like his girlfriend, you really do, but that he should remember “the Parable of the Puppy” and that he should not get too attached, just in case.
There you go reader. Remember, hard times call for hard responses so be proactive.
Now, off to beat my dog with a broken off car antenna. Remember “The Parable of the Puppy” – he’ll learn that it ain’t gonna be him. Gonna mean him up a bit. Who is a good boy now?