Astrology 101: Your Personality by Sign


El Zodiac

Astrology 101: The Basic Personality Template of all Zodiacal Signs

Well, as the Amazing Randi once never said “All of that psychic stuff is crap – except for astrology. That shit’s furreal.” So here is my interpretation of your personality based on studying your birth sign.

Aries: When you live by the slogan “My Way or the Highway” you spend a lot of time on the highway, thumb in the air. You can spot an Aries easily enough: All their friends are people they just met.

Leo: Someone once noted that Dogs can learn as many as 104 unique voice commands, can herd sheep, track lost hikers, recognize their owners after years apart, and they will even die defending their people. Cats shit in a box. So, there’s Leo.

Sagittarius: The circumstances of their conception dictated their time and date of birth and thus, their sign. Hard to hold that against ‘em but … Ewww.

Taurus: Ah, the “K” Class of the Zodiac, lowering the curve and defying the term “progression to the mean” for a millennia.

Virgo: Not many in these here parts. Deep down inside all signs think that their sign is the best sign. Not these guys. No Virgo wants to be a Virgo. I understand.

Capricorn: There is no cry for help, no plea for mercy, and no sprawling vista of human suffering Capricorns can’t ignore. I think they are born to harvest orphan tears. But as Cappy would say: “Cappy got paid.”

Gemini: Dirty hippies have to be born at some time right? These are the people that take an old bus running on diesel loaded with 24-packs of bottled water to protest pipeline construction. Geminis should never be cremated, only buried, because they are so full of shit they make the best fertilizer.

Libra: What they lack in looks, they make up for in not having any semblance of a personality. The sheet rock of the heavens, they need a lot of work to be made lovable, even though they are not usually hate-able.

Aquarius: Ah the hate-able. You cannot do enough for these people, the “Everyone is mean to me,” of the heavens. Imagine being 2 years old but for 80 – 120 years. Seriously: Fuck Aquarius.

Cancer: Say no more.

Scorpio: There is a saying in golf: “Drive for Show, putt for dough.” Scorpios (sometimes) drive well. But not often. In fact, it might be just a rumor but I wanted to say something positive about Scorpio so I reached a bit.

Pisces: The “Debby Downer” of the chart, there is no silver cloud that Pisces can’t make into a dark cloud. Even the word “Pisces” is descended from an old Etruscan word for “Misbegotten creature that drags the unwary to their death in the murky depths.” If they could kill people merely by crushing them with the weight of their disappointment Pisces would be the only sign left.    

So there you go – kudos to you if you can guess my sign from the above.

Truthfully I haven’t updated my blog in a bit, I’ve been A) dating a hot chick, and B) working hard at my “legitimate” writing so I pulled this piece of snark out of the archives and taped ‘er up for your enjoyment because you dear readers reader, are always on my mind.




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