Women I’ve Known, Described as if They Were Literary Plots
Every woman is her own story, so here I will summarize than last few women I’ve known – starting with the most recent – as if they were literary works. Not all of these works are completed yet so I’ve included a quick note as to status. I’ve also thrown up The Riverdales “I Don’t Want to Live Forever” for musical accompaniment – you should put it on loop and let it seep in. ( I finally found an alternative to having the Greg Kihn Band on infinite loop at the soundtrack to my life sand work.) Great song and guitar tone and I wish I’d written the lyrics.
Anyways – here they are.
1: Short Story/1st Draft Complete/In Edits
Man meets certifiably insane woman. It does not go all that well and ends badly. Calling down all of her divine powers, she curses him, yea verily, she thrice-curses him, but he doesn’t feel all that different. Just bad, like he did when they were together and she’d curse him, with her imaginary powers, for his imaginary transgressions. I am sure, that in time, He’ll miss her.
2: Short Story/Complete/On Submission
Man meets a really nice woman. Really and truly. But when she tells him that her parents died on the same day exactly one year apart he feels so bad about his lustful and wicked intentions that he – nobly – decides not to go out with her. He also thinks – less nobly – that she may be bad luck.
Man meets certifiably insane woman with a therapist’s license and is immediately subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse. He does not cry. Admiring his stoicism and dogged persistence in waking up each and every morning and continuing to live in the face of his many, many faults she suggests they continue to see each other. He demures, and winds up saving, but not reading, the next few weeks of her emails because the subject lines alone frighten him in a way that Zika virus, ISIS, and the new Carbon Tax (all frightening) do not.
4: Short Story/Complete/Published.*
Man meets certifiably insane – but really fuckin’ hot – woman. She loves the homeless, but even though she is an avowed atheist she prays fervently for the deaths of Republicans, Catholics, the entire state of Texas, and eventually, him. He flees, leaving behind some of his modest belongings, but what the homeless are going to do with the DVD for the movie “Paul” and a 1st Edit. of Northrop Frye’s “The Great Code” I don’t know. But a day will come when he sits there watching the shit-show that is US politics on TV and he will sorta miss the spirited little minx. Sorta.
*This story was nominated for, but did not win, a modest literary prize.
5: Short story/1st Draft/Abandoned/On hiatus
Man meets ill-tempered man with a vagina and a wicked backhand. While she immerses herself in petty litigation against the litany of people that have somehow wronged her, he mows her lawn, dodges the backhand, and beats her one hundred and fifty-seven straight times in “Words with Friends”. Tired of his back-sass and his workmanlike ability to shrug off physical abuse, she sues.
6: Novel, 1st Draft/3% complete
Man meets super nice girl. She likes beer, sports, cooking and cleaning, and sex. He checks her attributes against his list of qualities a good woman should have:
1) Likes to do it,
2) Not a Psycho.
Check, check. But she has a brain tumor, and it has other plans. She is given 30 days to live, and then moves far, far away for experimental treatments. She lives, but has partial amnesia, and forgets a lot of things.
Well, there ya have it.
Over time, I expect all of these novels/novellas/shorts and poesy to become best sellers and make me a very rich man – because I’m an incurable optimist. (For example, I am going to go post this and then go look for a new DVD of “Paul”.)
There ya have it folks, read and enjoy, because I won’t leave this one up forever or even for very long. Hey – I’m not that kind of optimist.